Saturday, 20 February 2010


I was privy to a weird discussion on the tube a couple of nights ago.  Some drunk people got on and at first I assumed they knew each other.  One began with a charming line about Cherie Blair/Booth, wife of former PM Tony Blair.  He blathered something along the lines of

"I asked 'what kind of giant did you crawl from?!'  Because, you know, she is a f***ing man beast".

Hilarious, especially coming from someone who wasn't exactly a beautiful human specimen himself (think Rick Moranis crossed with Arnold Rimmer).

Next, they started mocking someone they knew who doesn't speak English very well, and then shouted at someone at the end of the tube carriage because they knew him from "another school".

It was at this point that I started to record them, and they began to bellow at each other about Richard Branson.  Rimmer decided to tell an awful joke about Branson saying "push off, you peasant" to someone in the "VIP area" of a plane.  Oh how they guffawed.

The pièce de résistance came from a particularly posh and aggressive member of their party who chipped in, claiming to know exactly Branson first became rich:

Angry lad: "No, the first place he made his money was a (slight pause due to intoxication) CAROUSEL scheme.  He sold stuff on... just made money... like the TOOTH FAIRY!"

Rimmer: "How did he make money?"

Angry lad: "Like a carousel scheme, where you ship sh*t to other countries and you collect the tax refunds.  But you're not shipping anything so you're not paying anything, and it goes round the world and you haven't shipped sh*t.  And he shipped like a thousand mobile phones, and he collects the tax, the 17% tax on a thousand mobile phones, and he made - and he did it accidentally and he didn't realise it was illegal, and he just made loads of money."

Rimmer decided to start talking about someone running and trousers, whilst my brother and I mulled over the nugget of information gold that we'd just heard.  Richard Branson made money by shipping sh*t and mobile phones accidentally?  His first scheme was tax fraud on mobile phones?  I thought mobile phones were first mass produced in the 1980s, and I am sure Branson first made a fortune in the early 1970s.

As we discussed this at a clearly audible volume, the chaps realised we were lampooning them and accused my brother of being Branson's brother.  One of them had the tube carriage rolling in the aisle by suggesting to his cohort to ask if my brother was "a virgin".  Genius.

At Warren Street, three of them got off.  It became clear that Rimmer didn't actually know them.  As he sat down he sighed.

"Wonderful people."

We ignored him.

Update: here is my recording of the conversation - 

    Tube Chat  by  El_Nacnud 

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