Monday, 26 July 2010

Nerd Terror

Could Comic-Con be more dangerous than Hackney on a Saturday? I rode my bike through the mean streets of East London last Saturday evening and no-one tried to stab me. Meanwhile, over at Comic-Con:

"A Comic-Con attendee stabbed another near the eye with a pen Saturday after they got into an argument over whether one was sitting too close to the other."

"Stupid bike rack things"

I had a conversation with a chap at the Lower Marsh London cycle hire docking station a few minutes ago. We were both excited about getting to use them and shared a positive attitude towards the scheme (even if it is not looking like it will be perfect).

As I was walking away a young boy asked his father what the station was. The oaf, probably someone the boy looks up to for guidance and advice, said:

"It's those stupid bike racks things."


Friday, 23 July 2010

A tale of two overheard conversations

I was walking along a residential street last week and heard a man shouting at (presumably)his child:

"Stop being f**king ghetto!"

Today, in Waterloo, I was behind a family of frightfully nice people.  The kids were about 10/11, a brother and sister. The sister said:

"I will be the blind person and you can be my escort"

to which the brother retorted:

"Yes, I will walk behind you and be your guide".

London is an interesting place to be sometimes.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Tax Freedom Day

According to the Adam Smith Institute's website, Tax Freedom Day (which they calculate, and marks the day in which we theoretically start making money for ourselves rather than the government) "has become a national institution".

No it hasn't.

Fate Worse Than Death?

Ed Vaizey MP:

"Two weeks ago, I was playing scrabble and watching a DVD on holiday in Turkey with my wife. Last night I did the same with a group of homeless men and one woman."

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

This is a free public service.

11. Is your voice monotonous rather than varied in pitch?

18. Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?

26. Is your life a constant struggle for survival?

59. Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system doomed to failure?

72. Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity

92. Are you a slow eater?

136. Do children irritate you?

If you answered 'Yes' to any of these questions, then join my new religion based on the writings of the creator of seminal CITV show 'Mike and Angelo'.


Thursday, 15 July 2010

Spelling, Punctuation and GRAMMAR

I blogged about Nick Clegg's Your Freedom website a while back.  Well I have just come across the Treasury's counterpart - Spending Challenge

I had a search for "smoking ban" and found these beautiful ideas - one earnest and the other scathing about the whole enterprise.

To Lift the Smoking Ban

by Shcwest55 on July 12, 2010 at 07:16PM
I would like to see the smoking ban lifted in pubs clubs and and some work places.
Tony Blair and and Gordon Brown along with the labour party are DICTATORS and belive that everyone need there backside's wiped. So hope fully now Dave and Nick running this country we can get rid of the Nanny State.
I know that smoking is meant to be bad for people but people have there own choice on how they live and what they do with there own body. You can advise as much as you like. like the old saying goes You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.
You say you want to get people spending money to help with the taxes that you collect.
Since the smoking ban came in the pubs and clubs in and around Basingstoke have gone down hill and alot of them have closed that is not good for the goverment as you dont get the taxes that you need so much.
They say that smoking causes cancer? it might do but tell me this 5 members of my wifes family died from cancer yet they did not smoke they did not drink and never went any where where people were smoking. work that one out !
Since the ban came in alot of my friends and other people that i know dont come out any more yet if they could smoke in the pubs they would come back. Blair and co said it was done to allow the no-smokers to go to the pubs but they never turned up. Even thoses that do come out into the garden and join there friends and very offten there are more people in the beer garden than there is in the pub its self.
There are a number of pubs in basingstoke that would welcome smoking back into there pubs and it could be done

How the idea could be implemented

How it could be done Simple
The same as Spain and that is to allow a licence for it to be a smoking pub but with proper smoke extractor fans in place
We are not all binge drinkers and that who we need back in the pub spending there money so that the pub landlords can make a profit so in the end pay more tax which in turn help with that bloody great loan that we have to pay back
And the last thing i need to say and that is there are two things in life that are guaranteed.
One is you are going to Die Two you are going to get taxed. You cant do any thing from dying but you can do some thing about your tax

Clearly someone too angry to worry about STUPID ENGLISH LANGUAGE CONVENTIONS.

Ban obnoxious ring tones

by jennybn on July 12, 2010 at 02:18PM
just tax them for having it, tax them high, tax them and chase them, pay for secret ppl to listen on tubes and coaches, adjust the radar detectors to listen out for spurious ring tones.
check all phone calls and email messages, they may be plotting to get new ring tones
stop everyone smoking and drinking, they're mainly the ones with bad ring tones.
ppl that drive and use petrol, they're bad ring tone abusers, stop them
tax mobile phones full stop, do it by weight, or colour, how big the screen is, make, model battery size!!!

ideas web site what a load of bollox.

How the idea could be implemented

all taxation implementation methods are wildly available and currently being abused by every piss taking government since the war, u already know how to tax everything!

Clearly SOMEONE TOO angry about everything in general.

Hooray for the great British public. 

Wednesday, 14 July 2010


So the World Cup has been and gone.  The half-filled in wall charts can be taken down and the hopes and dreams of fans (apart from the Spaniards, whose majestic side triumphed) can be picked from the puke-filled gutter and recharged ready for the 2012 European Chamionships, in hooligan paradise Poland/Ukraine.

England did not perform very well at all.  They were knocked out in the last 16 by my favourite team other than the aforementioned Spanish, Germany, who played like vanquishing stallions.  Their brand of counter-attacking, precision passing f├╝ssball enthralled all who had the pleasure of watching them.  Against England they showed us up for the unimaginative footballing laggards that we really are.  We have a great league, but unfortunately our club sides don't seem to have English players who can really perform at the highest level without help from superior foreign imports (or so it seems judging by the way they played at this World Cup).  The strange thing is that I have seen Rooney play in many games demonstrating a good touch, but I lost count of the number of times it pinged off his boot when he tried to control the ball in this tournament.

Typically, swathes of the English media also performed very badly.  Journalists hyped up players who really didn't deserve it only to crucify them when the performed to their true ability, and 'papers drew on archaic stereotypes and jingoistic hyperbole, especially when playing Germany (the War ended over 60 years ago, and Germans really don't care that much about playing the English, get over it).  Adrian Chiles got in on the act before the USA game with a frankly embarrassing skit about Americans eating burgers and playing baseball, telling them to essentially naff off and leave everyone else to play football.  It was cringeworthy to the extreme.  Meanwhile, over on the BBC, the Alan brothers had the cheek to moan about having to sit through some games!  These are people who are payed to watch football and get a nice free trip to South Africa.  Unbelievable.  They couldn't even be bothered to research players, instead resorting to repeatedly calling di Natale (top scorer in Serie A) the "Number 10".  Clarence Seedorf, who played for a long time in Italy, didn't even know his name.  IT'S YOUR JOB TO KNOW PLAYERS' NAMES.  Pathetic.

During the build up to the Germany, pundits pointed to a 1-0 win over Slovenia as proof that England had progressed enough from the 0-0 draw with lowly Algeria to be be able to destroy Germany.  "No German player would get in our team", chirruped one pundit.  "This is an average German side", trumpeted Alan Hansen.  No-one seemed the slightest bit ashamed about their bombastic predictions of an easy England win being proven to be built on lazy cheerleading to sate the chest thumping idiots who feel that passion will win games.

The whole charade taught me a few things:

1. England's players weren't up to the task.
2. People shouldn't have been surprised about lacklustre performances after seeing the opening game.
3. Certain sections of the English media have come out of the tournament in a worse light than the team.  Any other profession wouldn't stand for such a lack of quality as was demonstrated by some pundits and journalists.
4. We shouldn't sack Capello.
5. We should overhaul the system of youth coaching, using the Dutch/German models as a guide.  I had a kick around with some youngsters at a village barbecue last weekend.  Only one of them looked up when he had the ball.  The others shouted for the ball without making any movement and when they received it they ran, head down, and kicked it as hard as they could towards the goal.  They should be taught in school and by parents that this is wrong.
6. The transfer policy of English clubs is damaging our game.  More chances should be granted to young English players at the top teams.
7. I sometimes wish I was Spanish.
8. I dislike Mark van Bommel.
9. I like Andres Iniesta.
10. Hansen and Shearer should resign.

The official Fifa ranking of teams' performance in the World Cup sums everything up:

Fifa 2010 World Cup standings:

1 Spain, 2 Netherlands, 3 Germany, 4 Uruguay, 5 Argentina, 6 Brazil, 7 Ghana, 8 Paraguay
9 Japan, 10 Chile, 11 Portugal, 12 United States, 13 England, 14 Mexico, 15 South Korea, 16 Slovakia
17 Ivory Coast, 18 Slovenia, 19 Switzerland, 20 South Africa, 21 Australia, 22 New Zealand, 23 Serbia, 24 Denmark
25 Greece, 26 Italy, 27 Nigeria, 28 Algeria, 29 France, 30 Honduras, 31 Cameroon, 32 North Korea 

England's past World Cup rankings:
1950 (8th), 1954 (6th), 1958 (11th), 1962 (8th), 1966 (1st), 1970 (8th), 1982 (6th), 1986 (8th), 1990 (4th), 1998 (9th), 2002 (6th), 2006 (6th)

One thing to take note of is France and Italy's respective positions.  Ouch.

One thing that I enjoyed thoroughly during the England v Algeria game was an incident in the pub I watched the game in. The place was populated by morons on the whole, and within 1 minute of kick off a large group of braying quasi-fans began to sing 'No Surrender to the IRA'. At this point an Irishman who looked like he was carved from a piece of granite and could have easily been a bare knuckle boxer took one of the singers to task, berating him and threatening to do all sorts of things to him. No surrender to the IRA quickly became "sorry mate, sorry. I didn't mean it".

Now we have to wait 4 years until Brazil. Come on Germany!

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Duncan Palmer is fundraising for Macmillan Cancer Support

Duncan Palmer is fundraising for Macmillan Cancer Support

Please sonsor me on the Dunwich Dynamo! Anything you can spare would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks

Friday, 9 July 2010


Sports commentators fascinate me.  Take ITV's Peter Drury.

"Peter lives in Hertfordshire with his wife VD and their three children, Adam (better known as AD or Adz), Dan, and Joey, who is in fact an up-and-coming prospect in English football- the only thing stopping him is his poor temperament."

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

The Day the Music Died

From Wandsworth Council's council tax webpage:

"Singing star Suggs says that with a £25,000 cash prize on offer it would be "madness" not to sign up to a new council tax direct debit payment campaign."

Friday, 2 July 2010

Al Gore - Global Warming Prophet or Perverted Predator? YOU DECIDE

"I only want justice." Howled the masseuse accusing Al Gore (for the 3rd time after charges had been dropped twice before regarding the same incident in 2006) of sexual assault.

The Guardian reports that:

'she said she went to Gore's room at 11pm, and he welcomed her by inviting her to "call me Al" (with the Paul Simon song playing and Chevy Chase lurking in the background perhaps? - el_nacnud). She said it was apparent he had been drinking.'

'he "wrapped me in an inescapable embrace … and caressed my back and buttocks and breasts".'

'She went on to allege that he flipped her on her back on the hotel bed and lay on her, pinning her down. She told police she shouted at him: "Get off me, you big lummox!"'

'the woman called Gore a "pervert and sexual predator. He's not what people think he is – he's a sick man."'

Oh Al, you crazy cat.  Let's hope that this is an inconvenient un-truth!  Aahahahahahaha.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Democracy in Action

British people never fail to make me chuckle when they are asked to provide serious and meaningful ideas and responses to surveys.

Today, Her Majesty's coalition Government launched its "Your Freedom" website, asking for ideas about which laws should be repealed, what should be done to restore civil liberties and how to cut spending.

This is my favourite from the civil liberties section:

Gawd bless us one and all.